The Congo Writes

Caption: A twenty-centime bank note from the Congo. I'd love to add some to my collection, but there's this backlog.

Image credit: Banknotes.com






Today, a tale of passion and intrigue from the deepest Congo arrived in the e-mail account that I use for this blog:

From: Mr Prince Kabila
To: xxxx_kabila@gmail.com.invalid
Subject: call to save my mother and I from a hopeless,
Date: Oct 8, 2009 2:59 AM

Dear Daddy/Mummy,

Greetings in appreciation of your esteemed contact received through a reliable source and the choice of your country I wish to introduce myself, I am Prince Kabila the son of the late Democratic Republic of Congo President Laurent Desire Kabila of the blessed memory. I know this letter might come to you as a surprise but I honestly do not intend to surprise you. I write this letter in respect of my intention to invest the sum of (USS45 000.000.00. Forty-five million dollar) with you. I inherited this funds from my mother. This fund was got through the sale of Diamond and Timber when my father was the head of state. My mother though not her legal wife used her privilege position to engage in the business of Diamond and timber since she knows that her survival will depend on how much she can get out of the privilege situation.

When my father was assassinated on 16th January 01 by one of his bodyguards Lt. Rashidi Kasereke through the conspiracy of some top army officers that wanted to topple him I escaped to Ghana because of the fear that I might be arrested by my half brother Lt. General Joseph Kabila the present head of state. Actually his mother and my mother are not in the best of relationship because of who among them will be the first lady tussle and this ultimately affected us their children.

Considering the relationship between Ghana and the Democratic Republic of Congo new government, my mother advised me to leave for Ghana for security reason, while the funds were deposited with a Security Company. On getting to Ghana where I have been living since then as a political refugee I am seeking for a reliable foreigner who can assist me in moving this funds out for safe banking and profitable investment Honestly I contacted you because I don’t want to invest this funds in Africa due to my status here as a political Refugee. And moreover I wouldn’t want to take risk because this funds is all that I and my mother is depending on because my half brother has seized all my father’s assets and funds and left I and my mother empty handed without knowing about this funds deposited at the security company. So that is why I decided that investing this funds abroad should be the best investment for me. I will be honored if I can be given the privilege of investing this fund with your help.

In view of this plight, I expect you to be trustworthy and kind enough to respond to this distress call to save my mother and I from a hopeless future. And if you agree, I hereby agree to compensate your sincere and candid effort in this regard with 30% of the total fund and annual 5% of the after tax return on investment for the first three years.

Thereafter, the term shall be varied.5% for expenses, which may arise during the transaction, fax and phone bills inclusive, When the fund ($45,000,000.00) is moved into your discrete account, you will be allowed to draw 30% your favor, while the remaining 65% will be invested meaningfully for our future if possible in your area of business and deterrents sectors of the Economy in your country which are dividends yielding. Whatever your decision is please reach me immediately through my Email:(xxxx_kabila@yahoo.com.invalid) and keep this letter tight secret for the interest of my family, l am presently in Ghana


Best Regards.
MR KABILA.

A First Lady tussle? Is there video? Political debates are so much more interesting in foreign countries, don't you agree?

The Kabilas sound like a family who could become synonymous with "dysfunctional". They could probably have their own reality series. Still, you have to feel sad for old Prince, so here are a couple of bits of advice that I'll pass along:

First, when it comes to translation, don't do it yourself. You might think you have a good grasp of a foreign language, but it really pays to leave such things to professionals.

Second, if you want something kept a tight secret, don't post it to the Linux kernel working group. Those guys gossip like a bunch of old ladies, not to mention that they have archive servers everywhere.

Finally, you might want to hire someone who actually knows how to do financial transactions. I'm booked solid for the next couple of years.

Thank you for writing, and good luck with your financial endeavors.